Anarchy!! (relationship anarchy)

Here’s an article on relationship anarchy, as I understand it. Relationship anarchy is a reaction against labels and traditional understandings of romantic and platonic relationships. So someone who is a relationship anarchist doesn’t use labels as ‘friend’ or ‘partner’ or ‘lover’ or whatever but rather approaches each relationship with each individual in their life as unique. To some level we all do this. The friend you call on special occasions and meet for lunch twice a year is a different relationship that the friend you see once a week and spill all your darkest secrets. Similarly, the romantic relationship you had in high school for three months is different than the partner you live with for three years. Poly people already recognize this, relationship anarchists even more so.

Relationship anarchy is also a reaction against the idea of the ‘relationship escalator’ or the idea that all romantic relationships have an end goal of marriage. A relationship escalator might start with casual dating, then sex, then moving in together, then engagement, and finally marriage. At any point the relationship could end in a breakup or divorce but ultimately, the end goal of the ‘relationship escalator’ is marriage. Again, if you’re poly you probably get why this isn’t a great relationship model for you personally. Disclaimer: I’m sure it works for some people, but for me personally it’s restricting and I don’t plan on getting married at all, so that alone makes it pretty ineffective for me.
I tend to approach people in a pretty relationship anarchist way. I treat every relationship I have as unique and I don’t let labels limit the activities I do in each relationship. In a perfect world I would be a relationship anarchist. But this isn’t a perfect world. Even though I run in circles with more poly and queer people than an average cross section of america, many of them still don’t know what relationship anarchy is. It’s a lot easier to explain intention to people with romantic, sexual, or platonic labels. Even explaining that I want to be in a poly relationship with someone is a lot easier for me than just saying ‘I’m a relationship anarchist.’ It’s also easier for me to explain my own desires in terms of labels sometimes. I’m trying to break the habit but while I figure it out, I’m still not identifying as a relationship anarchist.