*please note that this piece involves a woman missing her clitoris. This piece is intended purely as tongue and cheek but I think it's important to acknowledge that there is a practice of Female Genital Mutilation that involves removing the clitoris of a person. If you don't know about FGM, please read this link. This piece, in contrast is not at all intended as a comment on FGM but rather as a light-hearted fairy tale parody*
Once upon a time there was a maiden as kind and smart as the night is long (specifically a winter night). She had a mother who loved her and fed her and a grandmother who healed her and taught her. This maiden was very happy and lived her days with in harmony with the world and the women who loved her.
And then, one day the maiden woke up to find her clitoris was missing. Her grandmother, who was very wise saw the problem at once.
“That your clitoris has gone missing is a very bad thing,” said the wise old women “It has more nerves in it than the entirety of the penis and most women can’t orgasm at all without clitoral stimulation. And although not all people with clitorises want sexual pleasure, I want you to have this option open to you, no matter what path you choose to walk on this road.”
The maiden agreed and her mother and grandmother gave her a backpack full of clothes and food. The maiden set out with a heavy heart and a light crotch.
The maiden walked through the nearest town, a town she often visited with the women in her life or alone. As she walked though the town, the innkeeper’s daughter stepped out of the inn.
“Maiden,” The innkeeper’s daughter called as she approached, “Where are you going dressed for such a long trip?”
The maiden answered honestly, “My clitoris has gone missing and I go to find it.”
“Your clitoris?” The inkeeper’s daughter’s eyes widened, “No! That’s my favorite pleasure sensing cluster of nerves! Would you like a horse to speed you on your way?”
“Yes,” The maiden answered, grateful for the honest help, “Thank you.” And the maiden rode out of town on the inn’s fastest horse.
For twenty days and nights the maiden roamed the countryside on horseback, which probably would have been more fun had she her clitoris to keep her company. On her own it was a lonely task. She rode North, towards the big city, hoping that there she might find some sign of her clitoris.
On the twenty first day, in the middle of a dark wood, tangled with thorn bushes, she came upon a young woman in a red cape, sleeping soundly in the woods. The maiden slowed her horse, and dismounted, unsure of how to treat this woman. Maybe she didn’t want to be disturbed, the maiden thought. But the woman in red was lying right in the middle of the road so the maiden figured she might as well wake the woman so she didn’t get trampled.
“Hello,” the maiden called out, “Miss? I think you’ve fallen asleep in the road miss!”
The woman in red fluttered her eyes and then came awake sitting up.
“Thank you for waking me!” the woman exclaimed. I’m afraid my narcolepsy must have gotten the better of me again. I was just on my way to my grandmother’s house in the next town and normally I eat to control it but I lost the apple I brought to aid my way and fell into a deep sleep. Thank goodness you didn’t wake me by kissing me or anything rape-y like that.”
“Of course I wouldn’t kiss a sleeping person and violate their consent.” said the maiden, not offend but ashamed at the state of rape culture, even in her own fairy tale, “Can I help you get to your grandmother’s house?”
“I’d love that.” The woman in red replied.
The grandmother’s house was only a few miles down the road, in the direction the maiden was already going. They went into the grandmother’s house and the maiden stayed for dinner and when the grandmother and the woman in red heard the maiden was missing her clitoris they grew sympathetic.
“I heard tales of an island that clitorises go to when they escape,” the grandmother told the maiden, “The island of Lesbos where the great Sappho once lived. I hear tell that she was a great lover of clitorises everywhere and they still go there from time to time to honor her.”
The maiden set off the next morning and after another three days she got to the big city. There there were people and clitorises everywhere but the maiden’s clitoris was nowhere to be found. Instead, a beggar approached her.
“Excuse me my dear, but due to poorly executed capitalism and the creation of a bourgeois that exploits a working class, I have been trapped in a cycle of poverty. Do you think you could spare some food?”
The maiden only had a dinner of bread and cheese left in her pack but she drew it out and together they finished it.
After they finished their meal, the beggar asked her what brought her to the big city. The maiden told her and the beggar advised she go seek out the airship docks in the East of the city.
“There the buildings get taller and taller. Climb to the top of the tallest one and ask for the captain. Tell her the beggar woman sent you. She owes me a favor and she’ll take you where you need to go.”
By the time the maiden got to the tallest building in the East of the big city, dark was falling. She climbed flight upon flight of stairs and when she got to the top she was shocked by a city of floating lights. Airships floated everywhere she looked, hanging off the building like a pier, galaxies of lanterns floated about them as workers climbed riggings and swung from ropes.
The maiden stopped a sailor walking by and asked to see the captain. The sailor brought her to an airship at the end of the pier, huge and gleaming with touches of silver, gold and chrome.
The captain was at the fore of the ship, looking out into the middle distance. The maiden introduced herself and explained that the beggar woman had sent her and the captain instantly became welcoming.
“Where can I take you?” The captain asked.
The maiden told the captain of her missing clitoris and the isle of Lesbos and the captain told her they would leave at first light of morning. The captain gave the maiden a fine cabin and in the morning they sailed into the sunrise.
By noon, however, the sky had darkened with thunderclouds. Winds whipped at the sturdy sails of the airship and lightning cut the sky like a knife. The mighty airship was tossed about like a child’s toy accompanied by deafening thunderclaps. The captain ordered the sail be curled up and that everyone sit tight in their cabin until the storm passed.
“We have no control over where we go until it passes anyway!” She shouted over the slanting rain, “We might as well hunker down and wait this out!”
The maiden stayed in the captain’s cabin, ate well with her, and talked the long hours of the away with the captain. Eventually, at the captain’s invitation the maiden fell fast asleep in the captain’s own bed.
When the maiden woke again the storm had passed and a new day had dawned, bright and clear. The ship had been anchored and the crew and captain were busy making repairs. The ship had been battered but not broken and still floated above the tree line where it was anchored.
The captain greeted the maiden warmly and told her she was welcome to go into the town below, for it was likely they would be there the whole day making repairs.
The maiden descended the rope ladder carefully. She looked around her and was shocked.
Around the maiden was the very town she had left those 25 long days ago. The maiden wandered to the inn and the innkeeper’s daughter answered the door.
“Maiden!” The innkeeper’s daughter greeted her warmly, “Guess what I found while you were gone!” And the innkeeper’s daughter led the maiden up the stairs to a back room and opened the door and there, on the bed, was the maiden’s clitoris. And the maiden realized what she had been looking for was in front of her all along.
Epilogue: The maiden and and innkeeper’s daughter had gay sex all night and lived happily ever after for the rest of the night.
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