I'm not always this femme

A poem about gender identity, life, and ocelots

If I had to describe my aesthetic it would be hiking boots and hot red lipstick
Or else grass stained lace with flowers growing up out of it
For a long time I rejected this.
I had no need of soft things,
I saw only the weakness of a single petal of rose
And I wanted to be only the thorn bush.
I'm still perplexed by the duality of an ocelot
Both graceful and  pointed
I wish someone would teach me how to always land on my feet.
But after hours of un-learning
After hours of putting on lipstick in the mirror
Just to swipe it off again
And days of pulling skirts over leggings in small concessions to false modesty
And years of trying to catch the sunset under trees and through windows
I have learned there can be steel under finely latticed lace
I have learned there is no shame in loving sparkly jewelry and no virtue in loving dirt and tired muscles
And no contradiction to loving both.
After years of practice
I have learned there's no shame in being who I am.

Another poem not about him

I told him we’d run,

leave our lives in the dust

We’d take my red car

And we’d know wanderlust

In the faded blue gray of

Our tired blue jeans

In the shocking bright blue

Of the sky and the seams

Of horizon

Stretched out on the road

And the grease of the diner’s

Food, neon signs glow

Flashing “Open” far into

Velvet black night

We’d know wanderlust in

The trucker’s headlights.

The stars would watch over

The road down below

The rumble of car

As we outrun the snow

And the rain and the

Slush of our lives

On the road we’d be living

With my red car in drive.

A poem (not about him)

I don’t write poems about him.

Or, not anymore. Not since his

Eyes ceased to be firecrackers

And became optic nerves in

His head. His voice stopped being

A song and now moves through the air

In particle waves. I don’t

Write poems about the way his

Hands remind me of my glasses

They snap the world into

A clarity I take for

Granted. I forget the verse

In Shakespeare’s love poem where he

Writes about farting in front

Of his lover. About  the

Lazy mornings savoring

The taste of last night. About

Leaving with the certainty

I’ll be back in a few days time.

I forget the poetry of

Doing the dishes together,

Of knowing his movements so well

That we dance around each other

In his tiny kitchen.

I don’t write poems about him.

But I haven’t stopped loving him.

A love poem

A love poem.

I think the way your lips would feel on my neck

Would be like snowflakes landing on your face

I think we could go out to coffee and I would drown

In your eyes and drink in your laugh

I think your curls would bend into my hands

As leaves on the wind.

And your smile would be the brights in my rearview mirror

Blinding but so beautiful my eyes tear up.

But all this would be

If I had gotten your number

Before you got up and walked off the subway.

Habits I have picked up on the R train

1. Avoiding eye contact
2. Checking people out while refusing to make eye contact
3. Braiding the tassels in my scarf
4. Being afraid of men
5. Making myself smaller
6. Unbraiding the tassels in my scarf
7. Pretending to play with my phone
8. Contemplating the eminent collapse of the subway tunnels
9. Idly imaging scenarios where the train derails and crashes
10. Believing I'm too young to die
11. Listing things I'd like to do before I die
12. Reading
13. Deciphering the conductor's garbled speech
14. Re-braiding the tassels on my scarf
15. Fearing death
16. Fearing untimely death
17. Hoping for life
18. Wondering if that cute girl across the train is checking me out

If I ever have the hiccups

A list of things that scare me:
2.5 children
Snakes
Vulnerability
Heights
Physical helplessness
Death
Losing my mind
Losing my sense of self
Not being remembered
Never being able to support myself
Not making a difference
Standing by as the world deteriorates

Happy new year!

Two years ago I resolved to learn to say yes
To push away the fear and anxiety and remind myself that "Yes,
I am worthy of this." To tell myself that, "I deserve what I want
And what I want is to take the world by storm."
That year I left no stone unturned. I left my heart in shambles,
Picked up the pieces and hurled them into the sea.
That year I learned that nothing tases quite so sweet as a sunrise when
I wasn't sure if the night would end.

Last year I resolved to listen to myself
To hear that part of my gut that gently tugs my heartstrings,
Reminding me, "Maybe you shouldn't trust him."
Instinct is a glorious thing,
She's shy and dark haired but ignore her too long and she's teeth and fire and hurt.
Last year I built my own foundation with brick and mortar and swear and blood
Last year I learned the luxury of a warm bed
And the the way that a thick wall blocks out windchill.

This year I resolve to seek balance.
To know that every day is a new adventure and some days the adventure is
Watching Netflix in my room alone.
This year I want to eat three meals a day and not seven and not none.
I want to build community deliberately.
I will let those who I love into my life and leave those who are toxic in the proverbial cold.
I will take New York City by force and it will know me.
Which is to say maybe a few people will remember me when I'm through.
And that's as much as a rather small and rather young woman could hope for.