Tonight she missed you

Tonight she missed you so bad it hurt, physically.
Her intestines cramping in pain, pinpricks of pressure in her eyes.
Something crawling out of the depths of her throat.

Tonight she listened to Rachel Patten's "Stand by you" a total of fifteen times on repeat
Which, given that the video is almost four minutes long
Is a total of nearly an hour
Of a song that makes her want to cry.

Tonight she told herself It's getting better on repeat
She did not count the number of times
Whispered like a mantra into her mourning gut.
Tonight she did not believe herself once.

She thought about the mountain goats line "The most remarkable thing about you standing in the doorway is that it's you/ And that you are standing in the doorway."
And she believed that.
She has written this poem three times in her head,
And twice deleted it on this computer screen.
Forgive her,
It seemed so self indulgent.
So full of self pity.

And you're not there, standing in her doorway.
She has not checked once
But she knows you are one world a way,
Three hours before her.
No mater what she hoped.
You can't lend her your wings from across the world.

She wishes you hadn't changed her so much.
That thought also makes her intestines hurt.
You're not standing in her doorway.
It's three in the morning and she misses you.
Forgive her.